What a year 2020 was! It appears that no one was immune to the disruptive course of the year. I, like so many, found myself dealing with a vast number emotions. I found myself floating on the river of life having to trust my body to keep me, while I went with the current and through the white water. I am only now starting to rebuild my boat one log at a time while still navigating the currents.
One log is this blog, I have basically let it sit unwritten for the entire year while I dealt with the multitude of feelings and events of the year. So today I thought I would share the year that was 2020 for me.
The year started off with family drama but in February I slipped a disc in my back that left me incapacitated. I read somewhere that when an athlete is injured they experience a drop in hormones. I am no athlete, however, my life is extremely physical. The drop in hormones leads to not only physical injury but emotional as well. I was in a lot of physical pain, as you can imagine, and I was sad and frustrated as well.
While I was injured I watch with the rest of the world as the virus that would change so much spread. Country after country started going into some form of lockdown like a wave across the world. The wave finally reached us and we joined in the ocean of lockdowns. At the beginning I really appreciated the fact that my husband had to be home.
My husband was able to do much of the heavy lifting and I truly believe it helped my recovery. As the lockdown went on and I was trying to slowly get moving, I found myself consuming a lot of news and social media. Watching so many people grieve the loss of family, friends, physical connection, and a sense of what was normal on top of my sadness from not being able to attend to the farm was overwhelming.
As our lockdown came to an end I, like so many others, saw the murder of George Flyod. I watch people come together again to protest police brutality. I heard people try and justify anger toward other humans. I was crushed by the fact that there are people who choose to ignore the pain of fellow human beings. While I know that this has happened and continues to happen, it never ceases to evoke strong emotions. I was personally effected by these events, I lost friends, saw so much hate, and watched my country’s division grow. As I dealt with this I suffered another blow.
My sadness grow exponentially when I heard my mom had passed away. In the middle of a pandemic and racial unrest I was now dealing with the sudden loss of my mother. I was consumed with grief and overwhelmed with what I needed to do. I gathered emergency passports and booked a flight back home. In the midst of all the pain and sorrow I was able to experience moments of joy. My children got to meet so many cousins and I got to spend time with almost all of my siblings.
Upon our return we had to spend two weeks in quarantine (fancy prison as my son called it). For me it was a strange experience, I felt as though I was removed from life. Things were still happening but I was not a participant only a passive observer. We finally made it home and in the quietness of my home I grieved, and while I missed being with my family I was also grateful to be back. The efforts of the lockdowns allowed for us to move freely in the country. We were able to go places and see people. However, I was still weary and did not want to interact as I processed my grief.
My birthday grew near and I had decided I was going to get myself a present and made plans to celebrate but three days before my birthday, we went into lockdown again. It felt like every time I gained a little traction I would be thrown back to the starting line. However, there was a slight difference we were now starting a slow march toward spring. our fruit trees began to blossom our sheep and cows were getting close to birthing and despite barely touching the garden since my injury things grew and matured.
A sense of hope and life began to form. The power of nature was reminding me that life continues, the harshest winters thaw into warm springs. Next thing I know there are lambs and our very first calf born on the farm. They were beautiful. Felt the urgent push of energy that seems tied into spring and tasted some of the goodness of life, but the year was not over and I had more loss to grapple with.
Our second calf born on the farm was stillborn and I was very upset. I have a tendency to anthropomorphize but I still cannot imagine that our cow did not feel the loss and I was sad for her (and me). We then lost our favorite ewe to barbers pole worm. Next thing we know its the summer solstice and Christmas came. We were so close to the end of the year the sun had reached its maximum hours and I was finally getting back into the garden. The sun and the soil was healing my soul, hours of work outside listening to the birds sing in the trees carrying me into a feeling of hope.
In true 2020 fashion I would be hit with one more loss for the year. The day after Christmas I found our favorite cow had somehow slipped in the night and got wedged under a branch. She was unable to get up and consequently died.
And here I am almost four months into a new year and just getting back into the swing of things. Last year was a lot for so many and I chose to take a lot of time to sit with my feelings, grieve, and just be. Now I am ready to get back into it; of course its just gone autumn but that’s ok, I have a whole winter to get myself ready for an amazing growing season!
